Prompts courtesy of Cake.shortandsweet‘s Wednesday Write In. (Another installment in the Christmas Slaying Series)
Dzinski exhaled, put the car in gear and drove back to his mother’s house. The brunette appeared briefly in the kitchen window when she heard his tires crunch the gravel in the driveway. He left the car, grabbed his suitcase and walked across the grass to the backdoor. He stopped to lean against a tree.
He felt about as brittle as the last brown leaves still clinging to the branches.
Dzinski kept on into the house.
“Used to climb that tree,” he said, when he noticed the brunette staring at him. He set the suitcase down, sat at the table and slid a pack of cigarettes towards her.
“You change brands, or something?” the brunette said, pulling a cigarette loose.
“I ran into some old friends,” he said.
Questions gleamed in her eyes and her tongue went to the corner of her mouth.
“What happened, Frank? Are you hurt?” she said. “Are they?”
Dzinski walked over to the china cabinet, he leaned down and yanked at a door. It was stuck but gave way eventually. He hand reached into the dusty darkness, past chipped plates and ceramic ashtrays and envelopes of pictures meant to be set in albums and came out with a half-filled bottle of scotch.
The brunette hurried and brought back two glasses. He poured. They sat across the table and smoked and sipped their drinks. Dzinski told her about the men in the apartment. About their guns and their intentions and how he has smashed both. The brunette leaned forward on her elbows listening; her low cut blouse hanging loose, her dark eyes enraptured.
Dzinski finished his drink.
“We should get down to the train station,” he said, crushing out his cigarette. “Send you home.”
The brunette slunk back in her chair. Crossed her arms. He was about to say something else, suggest something, something he couldn’t believe he was about to say when there was a loud knock at the front door. Dzinski bit the inside of his cheek.
The familiar, acrid taste of blood filled his mouth.
A Bunch of Dumb Words in a Row 
I think I would prefer it to have been ‘a face’ appearing at the window as you use ‘the brunette’ at all other times. Also not sure why the taste of blood would fill his mouth as he hasn’t been punched. (Could it be taste of fear?). Otherwise, I am hooked on Dzinski and really hope to read a full-length story one day!
Fear or the anticipation of more violence I think. Thanks for pointing out that bit about the window. I thought I used her name a few more times, but I didn’t (at least not in this entry) and seeing it there was a little jarring.
Really loved the atmosphere in this piece, and some of the descriptions – especially the contents of the china cabinet – are so well drawn I can see them in my mind’s eye. I wondered a bit about the ‘acrid taste of blood’ filling his mouth, and I wondered if he’d bitten the inside of his mouth in fear or something. But overall this was gripping, interesting and well-handled. Great stuff.
Thanks Ms. Hart. I went back and added a line about him biting his cheek(good idea), just before the acrid part.
I’d hoped it would be seen more as a metaphor, but I guess I didn’t coax that out enough.
The taste of blood just seemed so concrete – it sort of undid the image as a metaphor. It seemed too real, if you see what I mean? The meaning was very clear, but the image jarred a bit.
Also, I’m very impressed that my suggestion was worth of inclusion in your story. *blushes*
You make a fair point. And thanks again for the suggestion.
I liked the atmosphere created and the sense of jeopardy that increases. Had a quick read yesterday before you made the changes and the line about him biting his cheek works better. I thought it might have been a memory of something rather than a metaphor.
I also think that since in this scene its just him and the brunette, maybe you could use the word she to avoid the repetition, it jarred for me too. I also liked the description of the contents of the cupboard (to me theyrepresented things to be done that he is ignoring) and how he puts his hand past them to grab a bottle of scotch, very significant.
Dzinski is back – or am I reading after a while, sorry again for my absence Craig! I always enjoy Dzinski. He does not seem to be the type that would bite his cheek just from a knock on the door, though I could be wrong. I too enjoyed the visual you created with that cabinet and all those things in it. I think the brunette does not want to be sent away just yet. You do a good job of setting her as a prop for Dzinski – from his pov thats all she is, expendable. Or is he about to change his mind about her when that knock comes?